Monday, July 30, 2007

President Cheney: He Makes Baby Unicorns Bleed

A humorous take on Vice President Dick Cheney's two-hour ascendancy to the Presidency, from Mark Morford at the SFChronic:
While most Americans were completely unaware that the temporary transfer had taken place, the response from the collective body was nevertheless nearly instantaneous, as millions across the nation reported feeling some sort of unnerving wave of dread, something dark and ominous and stifling, like a collective shudder, a giant musty pillow jammed over the mouth of life itself, a great, low moan of deep, chthonic pain.

"What the hell is going on?" cried Jane Klowster of Oklahoma City, echoing the sentiments of millions as she called in to a local talk-radio program early Saturday morning, just after making a pot of coffee so bitter as to be undrinkable and noticing the flowers on her patio had suddenly wilted for no apparent reason, and also that her parakeet was dead.

[...]

Doctors, scientists, healers, middle managers, astrologists and even auto mechanics nationwide were, at least initially, equally confounded by the bizarre outbreak of widespread malaise, which seemed to impact nearly every aspect of the animate and inanimate world, and even caused automobile clutches to suddenly seize, light bulbs to dim, shiny things to tarnish and electric components to flicker and spark and, often, spontaneously combust.

Finally, one scientist actually read a newspaper, and it all came clear in an instant.

"Two little words," said Dr. Alan Lenner of the Phenomenology Research Institute in Bethesda, MD, glancing around nervously as if his next utterance would cause lightning to strike him dead. 'President Cheney,'" he whispered. At that exact moment, a woman's terrible scream could be heard in the distance, a pack of wolves howled, and once again that long, low moan reverberated throughout the land. No, seriously, it totally did.

[...]

"I never ever in a million years thought I'd say this, but oh my God am I grateful that Bush got back into the president's seat almost immediately," sighed much of the nation, collectively, as it slammed another triple vodka and waited for the residual nausea to pass. "I mean, he's by far the worst president the United States has ever known and he's done more to set this nation back and embarrass us and create more terrorism and repress science and women and love and hope for all mankind everywhere. But oh my God, he's still no Dick Cheney. That guy makes baby unicorns bleed."

By the by, Dick still won't admit that the Office of the Vice President is in the executive branch, calling himself a "unique creature."


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